Embracing Disappointment: A Journey Through Grief and Growth
On what was meant to be a joyful holiday, Moya Sarner, an NHS psychotherapist, faced an unexpected challenge when her husband required urgent surgery, forcing them to cancel their travel plans. This experience became a profound lesson in confronting feelings of disappointment and grief, emotions often avoided in daily life. Sarner reflects on the struggle to acknowledge these feelings, especially in the face of a societal tendency to quickly seek the positive side of situations.
The cancellation of their trip to the Belgian coast was a source of disappointment that led Sarner to explore how society often encourages a dismissive attitude toward negative emotions. While she attempted to reframe her experience with thoughts like, “At least we have travel insurance,” the reality remained that they were not going on holiday. Instead of denying her feelings, Sarner found that embracing them brought a sense of connection with her husband. The act of acknowledging their shared disappointment transformed their experience from isolation into mutual support.
In her journey, Sarner recognized that grief and rage, although uncomfortable, are essential components of emotional healing. She compared this realization to a common wish among her psychotherapy patients: the desire to simply “press undo” on negative experiences. Yet, she emphasizes that true healing comes from facing the reality of these emotions rather than attempting to erase them. “The alternative to depression is not happiness, but feeling whatever is there,” Sarner notes, emphasizing the importance of emotional authenticity.
As a new mother, Sarner faced another layer of complexity in managing her emotions. The demands of caring for an infant often felt overwhelming, revealing the emotional toll of motherhood. Initially, she believed her primary role was to meet her baby’s needs instantly. However, she soon learned the importance of helping her child process discomfort and frustration, rather than attempting to shield her from all negative experiences.
Sarner’s approach involved not just meeting her baby’s physical needs, but also guiding her through emotional challenges. This process required Sarner to tolerate her own imperfections as a mother. “My job was not to make things go well, but to help bring meaning to her emotional experience of things not going so well,” she explains. This shift in perspective allowed her to appreciate the value of emotional resilience, both for herself and her child.
Reflecting on her experiences, Sarner has come to embrace the complexity of human emotions. Rather than longing for an idealized version of her life, she acknowledges that disappointment and hardship are intrinsic to the human experience. Through these challenges, she has found a growing capacity to accept reality as it is, rather than how she wishes it to be.
In sharing her journey, Sarner hopes to inspire others to confront their emotions and recognize the potential for growth that lies within experiences of grief and disappointment. She reminds readers that allowing oneself to feel the full spectrum of emotions can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself and ultimately foster resilience in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.
Moya Sarner is the author of When I Grow Up and an advocate for emotional authenticity in therapeutic practices. Her reflections serve as a reminder that moving forward requires acknowledging and embracing the difficult emotions we often try to avoid.
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